Talking to myself

So I just realized I have a self confidence issues, I might have depression too. I have no clue for what reasons and I don't want to dwell on it too much. The only thing I want right now is to work on it to make things better.

How I came to the above conclusion is by the following:

• I never want to talk or deal with a new person I might have known from school or my locality. I somehow always assume I would be subjected to judgement with regards to my Acads and other things. 

• I hate having to talk to people even on the phone, even my best friend.

• I dont like to dress up or buy new clothes, even if I am begged to do so. I have stopped trying to work on me or my body whatsoever. 

• I overeat and eat untimely. I do not refrain from eating late at night even though I know how bad it is for me. This has resulted in me looking like a younger version of Kevin James.

• I criticize everything and everyone. 

• I sleep a lot and like to stay up at night to watch movies or shows. In other words I prefer staying indoors and removed from people, even my parents and my brother. 

• I am highly sensitive to peoples view of me, especially my girlfriend. I am a pushover and derive satisfaction or opinion of self from other peoples opinion of me.

• I cant focus on anything and have a hard time processing my thoughts. Since I have such hard time grasping concepts I have begun to have doubts about my intellectual capabilities, resulting in further self depreciation and judgement. I prefer not using my brain as much, it is really hard to concentrate. 

I have decided to take a cue from J.D. Roth's article on Building confidence (How to Build Confidence and Destroy Fear) and work on my issues. As Mr. Roth suggests I need to start to work on a few of his suggested steps before I move on and work on the rest. I know no internet article will give me confidence but focusing on what I need to do, even if I in theory realize what I need to do is very important. For now I will try working on the following few things:-

1. He suggests not dwelling on failures, I hope to do this by not referring to my past and blaming my parents and myself for me having to move back to India. I have lived here for 3 years now and am enrolled in a good Masters degree program. I need to focus on my ability to get into my current university and what it will do for me in the future. I need to dwell on my 10th, 12th and Bachelors degree grades. I did average and mostly above average through out my schooling. I should be happy about that. I love my parents and try to be the best son. I have great, meaningful relationships with my friends and family. I need to get pumped up about that. I dont want to psych myself out thinking about the achievements of my friends and my girlfriend, and how I stack up against them. I need to not think about how good I looked in high school and how much weight I have gained since then, how unhealthy I feel.       
2. To think confidently, act confidently. I will try to project myself as a confident person, even if I am not at the moment. 
3. Get off your “but”. Apparently arguing with myself or rebutting an argument I put forth is a good way to get over my fears and gaining confidence. I have no problem arguing with my friends. I should have no problems arguing with myself.
4. Do the right thing. No wrong doings, no fear of peoples opinion of you. I will stand by my decisions if I know I did the right thing to do. 
5. Look sharp. Not much I would argue with this. I do really need help with dressing up, taking showers regularly, not be in my sweats all the time and shave. I saw my best friend dressed real sharp the other day for an interview. I gained a lot of respect for the art of looking your best or putting your effort. This is not limited to wearing the best and getting the best haircuts. I need to lose weight and fast. I have no clue if I have the time for it right now but the least I can do is try and I will make an effort. 
6. Don’t compare yourself to others. I need to focus on my shit and not worry about other people and their ability or achievements. I am not them and their achievement does not make me a worse person. I am just not as good a coder, student or something else. That is ok.  

It would sound like a worn out cliche but I would like to be free. I would like to breathe and take in all the positives in and give myself a break. I  am and have been through a lot and no one knows this better than I do. If my girlfriend believes I am a slacker or someone who finds excuses to not work on my life, well tough noogies. I am comfortable with who I am, and I cannot work in a pressure cooker. If I am to finish my Masters with a great percentage, it would be amazing. If not, I am ok with that too. I will never repent it, I will never cry over that spilled milk. I will not make plans to go back to the US anymore. I have to clean all the mess on my table right now, address all my issues here before moving forward or they might accumulate into a huge bag of turd later on. Good Luck buddy. Thank you for finally talking to yourself to give yourself perspective and a chance to introspect.