Sandeep's Diary

Dang I have a chem lab to fill. A few more seconds into the thought I had almost forgotten the class was going to start in another 20 minutes. I rushed to the library and started copying from Jas’s lab manual she had already worked on from last quarter. Very lost but focused enough to be able to scribble on the paper I kept thinking of what I wanted for dinner after the lab ended.

Hey! How are you? I heard someone. On the opposite table very new, probably tired, the most pretty girl.

Hey, I replied.

Are you Indian?” she asked.

“Yup, Very much Indian and I know you are Indian because I just read your name on that folder”. Until then I had always believed these cheesy, smarty-pant lines worked on every girl. It was my dorky way of telling myself how cool everything about me was.

“Whats your name”, she asked

Sandeep and yours is Sandhya Chopra and I read that from there too.

She laughed and a conversation stirred. We talked for a bit about home and family, decided on seeing each other again and then parted our ways towards our respective classes.

The next day I saw her outside the library sitting on the stairs, talking on the phone to perhaps some friend. I decided to just walk by except was intruded by her lovely smile and amazing bright big round eyes.

She said, “How are you?!”, placing one hand on the speaker. I decided to say, “I’m doing splendid”, a word I had learned to use just recently.

She asked me if I would like to join her for lunch. I denied the proposal saying I was at work and have to be back in 15. She looked sad and discouraged but asked me if we could go out for dinner. Now I just thought she was very desperate and decided to say yes. She looked elated and said she’d wait in the library till I get done. It was after so long that I had company for dinner. It was kind of very nice and unreal. We went to dinner and had a blast. I had not talked to someone I connected so well with for such a long time. She also loved my ways. Everyday she’d call me and we’d talk for hours together. I had never met anyone like her. I would let her do anything she wanted to me. She’d cut my hair, bring me really bad specially cooked food, a lot of attention and used her nails to often take the blackheads of my nose, which by-the-way hurt a lot.

Sandhya was one of the best girls I had met till date. She was every guys dream and she made my dreams disappear the day she told me she’d been married for 4 years. Poor me, I was looking forward to formally ask her out. It finally did make sense how a girl like her was so much interested in someone like me. She told me she was really dissatisfied with her life, was diagnosed with bipolar and was almost every other day crying in my arms as we grew closer. I was not happy seeing her that way and didn’t want to leave her on her own but I didn’t want to involve myself with a married person. Don’t get me wrong here. She was as I mentioned before the best girl I had seen or met, she made my days pass by so easily. The problem was she was depressed and I had had my share of depression by then. I also was aware what it was like to have no one understand you a bit. In a way this was the best thing that could have happened to me. The only scary part was she was married. To eliminate confusion I started calling her my sister and decided to support her. She was sweet like honey, as pretty as anything can get and as polished as a person as FDR's shoes.

We started spending a lot of time together doing a lot of things and living practically on each other. For the first time in my life I reached the meditative state I always seek to get to, only not through it. We would go to beaches, practically eat out everyday, go clubbing, to temples, Gurudwaras and Churches and sometimes cry together. She often told me I was a very good human being for letting her in my life, for accepting her without being judgmental of her. Truth was I easily benefitted more on every level than she did. I started going out more, she practically paid for everything we did and to top that better my grades also. She had finally mended my life.

One day, four months since we had met she decided she wanted to go back to India to take some time off from her really awful life, whilst thinking of separation from her husband. She booked her ticket and then left. I didn’t realize it then but sooner she was gone a big part of my being, life was gone. It is very natural to cry I thought. I was close to her, there was no reason for me to be wary of me feeling attached.

In July I thought of visiting home for summer break, my parents told me they were waiting in anticipation and want me with them for some religious ceremony. I like a good son followed orders and started stuffing my baggage.

Sandhya, I thought has probably forgotten me by now. I had not heard from her in almost seven months. In this darn age if you cant get in touch with someone for more than two-to-three months it means your not interested in any kind of contact with them. Nevertheless, I missed seeing her and decided to call her on getting there.

I landed in New Delhi two days after summer break had started and was very excited to be back. The mother and daddy were there to pick me anxiously waiting to see how I was, looked. I hate my parents for having all the expectations they do. They expect me to look like Shahrukh Khan, eat like my brother, think like Albert Einstein and live like Donald Trump. Although I appreciate them thinking that highly of me but I or anyone cannot possibly be an amalgamation of all those people. As soon I walked out the mother started to cry hysterically and hugged me as if reconciled with a piece of her own. We got home at around 3 am in the morning and immediately went to bed wishing to reunite again in another five-to-six hours to discuss me.

Interestingly, next day daddy was off for work early and mother had left for satsang. My brother was fast asleep and I really jet-lagged just couldn't go back to bed. I decided to call up Sandhya. She didn’t pick up the phone, I knew she was not interested. Now she was with her family, her mum, brother, possibly a boyfriend or a possible suitor. Sandhya, had left me on my own. I decided to continue living hoping someday we’d run into each other. A week later I heard from Sandhyas brother telling me she was in the hospital. I rushed to Batra Hospital, where she was. We finally met and there she was giggling and staring like she had not seen her 5 year old for years together, opened her arms like in hindi movies and demanded a hug. She looked gorgeous and was there for a regular check up. I couldn’t believe my luck. She had possibly missed me more than I had missed her. She looked so wise and yet so new and young. I thought I should take her out, like on a drive or something. We visited the Guru Gobin Singh gurudwara that resides in the center of the city. Sandhya looked elated as if she had gotten what she wished for in years. I was very excited that she was happy; she had not changed a bit. Nothing about looked like she regretted having met me once.

Sandhya, apart from a brilliant family and some great friends had lived no real life all this while. When she was 17 her father passed away due to kidney failure. Till then she had slogged all her life nailing all her grades to get a Bachelors in Science and Nutrition. And finally when she thought of doing something she wanted to she was married and exported to a foreign nation. Till I met her I thought I was the unluckiest person alive. I thought to myself that if I had to go through what she did I’d be dead-meat by now. She was strong as a diamond and serene as a cow (I know my analogies suck!). She had gone through so much and could still find happiness in the smallest of things. The more I saw her, the more I knew her each day the more she’d leave an impact. She was my hero, my idol.

I started falling in love with Sandhya. I wanted to see if she did too. After all we both were so made for each other. She had failed to do any wrong to me, she would yell at me once in a while but somehow I loved the yelling and bickering of her more lovable than the love and caring. I didn’t want to risk my relationship by telling her how I felt? What if she didn’t feel the same way? what if she wants to give up talking to me? I decided it was not worth it. I might lose her I thought. Unfortunately what I didn’t realize back then was that these feelings, regardless of how much you hide do surface eventually.

One day at the gym I told her I wanted to stay fit with her all our lives (stupid and dorky, right?!). Fortunately for me Sandhya never understood the 'code' language of proposing, especially when the way it was done was as demented as mine. I'm sure that was the last thing she expected from me considering how she was, what she was going through. Another day I hinted something about babies. I think I said, “Ham jaise good-looking logoon ke bacche bhi kitne sundar hoonge”. Sandhya was now getting a little bit of what I was getting to but decided to act naive . She knew if she asked me what my intentions were I would end up proposing which ultimately might end up ruining our very healthy friendship. She decided to stay zipped and hoped I never brought up anything like that again. The summer break was going to end and the Fall quarter was ready commencing in about 7 days. I had to leave and wanted to tell her everything before I left. Sandhya knew something like that might happen and called me to say she was going to leave for Mumbai to see his brother for a couple of months and would not be able to see me off. I told her to meet me for once but she wouldn’t listen. I decided to surprise her by getting there and seeing her before I left. This was my last chance to book her for me. I visited Mumbai and lodged myself in one of the cheapest hotels near Versova beach and then called her to ask if she could come to a nearby Barista coffee house for once. She agreed, we met and I proposed. She burst out laughing as though she had least expected it.

“Sandeep you don’t have to pity me anymore”, she said.

“Who told you I am pitying you?! I genuinely with all my heart adore you and want you to be with me, spend every second together.”

She said, “I’ll tell you my answer when you grow up” as she continued to chuckle.

“Do you mean grow up or grow older?”

“They’re the same”

“No they are not. Please don’t do this to yourself. I love you so very much and I know you're very fond of me too.”

“I love you Sandeep. Love you as much I love Rishi and mumma but that does not mean I can marry you, just as I cant marry Rishi or mumma.”

The conversation had to end here. I was deeply hurt. I walked out leaving the coffee bill and a letter before I left. Two days later I left for San Francisco. I had decided I couldn’t be a friend anymore. Throughout the flight back I knew I was never gonna call or email her again. I wanted her to know I was hurt, I wanted her to miss me.

I’m sure she missed me and I’m sure she was sorry but she never called me. She never tried to say she was sorry for hurting me like that. I chose to keep aloof for a while. First twenty-six days I cried every night missing her, thinking about how one day I might have to lose her to someone else she might like someday. I couldn’t possibly know someone might be singing her sweet nothings to woo her away from me forever. The twenty-seventh day I decided to call her. When she picked up she said she was busy somewhere. She said she’s gonna call me back.

Here I am weeping my days away and she didn’t bother whatsoever. What’s gotten into her?! Why was she like this? I am supposed to make girls cry and here we have this girl who looks like a baby on the outside and has a heart of stone. What is wrong with her?????

Basically I am just a young person in his early twenties with super active hormones. I might well be able to get over her eventually. But this cannot be the end....which is why____to be continued……()